living my dream?

My entire life all I ever wanted was to be a mom. For career day at school I would dress up as a mother, taking my baby to school and a diaper bag. I wanted to be mommy. Growing up I never really wanted a career just a homemaker. Seriously.

Now, over the years, my heart was drawn in different directions, but one thing never changed and that was the fact that I wanted to be a wife and mother. As a matter of fact, one thing 'scared' me and that was that maybe I would struggle with infertility as a woman. Yeah, I knew God was in control, but it still scared me. I was probably more concerned over infertility than getting married!

I understand infertility doesn't mean you won't or can't have children, it just means the odds are not in your favor for it to happen as easily as it might be for other couples. But that's for another post.

I married a wonderful man 4 1/2 years ago and had no desire for children immediately but sometime in our future I definitely wanted children. How many? I really didn't know, I was somewhat certain I wanted several, but that's about as far as I knew. Jeremy and I had some amazing time together before becoming parents. We cruised to the Bahamas and the Flordia Keys, Cabo and Ensenada. We took a wonderful vacation down to San Antonio for a week and also to California and Las Vegas. We bought two houses, took many overnight trips 'just to get away' and went out to dinner way too much! We even bought our lab Jake a month after we were married. We stayed up late, watched movies, slept in, and truly without a doubt LOVED married life.

Then I found out I was pregnant. Amazing. Exciting. Words can't even describe my feelings and emotions at that time for my life. I was having a baby!

But to me, it was more than just having a baby and playing dress up and feeling loved. To me, it was being a mother. And once that reality set in, it was life changing.

This morning as I sat on the couch, snuggled with Miss Grace, rubbing my fingers across her scalp (she has very little hair!), I started to cry. Am I living my dream? Is this really all I wanted my whole life, and at the ripe, young age of 26, I had my baby girl, and was carrying my other sweet baby?!? Really!?

I will not mislead anyone. I am truly a realist. I tell you like it is. No beating around the bush here. Motherhood is hard. Very hard. Oftentimes you feel alone and isolated. Like you are living in ronald mcdonald land dreaming in a toddler world. You repeat yourself a good 134 times a day, get a whole lot less sleep and have at times feel stretched to the max. But I love it. I do.

Macy is my dream. My precious gift I will never, ever take for granted. She has changed me in ways I can't describe. I look at her and love her and honestly, I feel complete. Then I remember I'm pregnant. And I will so have another wild, crazy, amazing person to love. And truly, I can't even begin to comprehend what it will be like. Loving two little people. Ah.....

I'm sure I'll be spinning but there is something absolutely magical about looking into Macy's eyes and seeing love. Seeing a person who loves you unconditionally. Despite your faults and failures, she doesn't care. She loves me.

I will admit the task is daunting at times. I am completely responsible for her life. I am responsible for the person she becomes, for the person she is. She is following my very footsteps and is watching my every move. She wants to be just like me. And friend, that is scary.

On this amazing Mother's day, love your babies, love your mommies, if you have neither, love your friends.

From my heart to yours, xoxo. Love you :)