today.

So, as of today, I'm 34 weeks, pregnant, large and in charge, but I'm not quite sure what I'm IN CHARGE of cause my life right now is CRAZY.

There's good, there's bad, and there's just plain 'ole ugly. The good:
I officially have one boy in daycare. He's full-time but really easy, he's nine and self-sufficient. I can run errands, I actually do drop-offs for his mom for his summer camps and music lessons. It gets me out of the house and some time in the sun :)

More good, the house is, well, it's coming along. I wanna cry nearly everyday, but somehow I really have only had about a week two weeks ago of a break down nearly everyday, and let's just say, I consumed a massive amount of diet coke that week.

Which sorta leads us to the bad. We're moving. Well, Macy Grace, peanut, and I, WE are moving. Jeremy will join us, um, sometime. I insist I can't do that move in the week of having this baby crap like we did with Macy, Jeremy doesn't see the big deal, so I told him, Macy and I, we're moving in, do whatever you want. In so many words that's what I said. But the house isn't complete, and we really can't move without running water which, again, makes me wanna cry. And it's not at all that he isn't working. He is. Alot. It's just so frustrating. We have WAY TOO MANY bricks in the fire. Life isn't meant to live like this. We have ZERO family time. We went to a picnic for his work at a ranch last Saturday and that is first time in a month we have basically gone anywhere and been together for more than sleeping at night. Something, somewhere has got to give. And thankfully, I believe he finally sees it. He's just SO driven. Too driven most likely at times. He works very very hard, but takes on too much at the same time.

Tonight I went over there all positive and excited to see the house, left feeling down and defeated. It's coming along, it really really is, but I'm just ready. I'm ready to move in and take over and dwell, and live, and just be ready for peanut. I suggested him not doing a few minor, but yet time consuming things, and focus on the major, and that got shot down real quick. So, I'm stuck.

A good thing is that the nursery is practically ready for me to take over and get started on. We have a chair and ottoman that needs moved out, which can't be done until the living room is finished and I'm hoping that means we can at least move out this weekend. I need to shampoo the carpet in there and hopefully, hopefully start moving things in on Monday. Hopefully. I haven't even started going through Macy's old newborn, gender neutral stuff to see what I have! I need to sand and paint peanut's crib and their dresser. Maybe I can start that tomorrow. So, little by little I see the light.

I'm sorta in limbo here about what to do, where to go, how to move forward day by day. I feel stuck, and I'm full-term to have this baby in 3 weeks!!!!! 3 WEEKS!!
I'm really really hoping my great friends Miranda and Katy can help me move and get things ready.

I look around here and it's scary. My life is getting ready to change in a way I can't prepare for. I'M HAVING A BABY! I know, I know, I already have a baby. But this is so different. It's number 2. I've never had 2 kids before ;) I think about all the things with Macy and another baby and the dynamic and the time, and the energy and it's just, overwhelming at times. But of course it's possible. And doable. And it will be done and it will all work out fine in the end. Macy will be a wonderful big sister, I know it, it's just going to be an adjustment on me.

I honestly love Macy way way more than I ever thought it humanly possible to love a child. Sometimes I think she's all I need. But I never wanted her to be an only child, so I'm glad she's not. I'll have two beautiful babies to love on and kiss and hold and snuggle and life will be wonderful, it's just going to take some adjusting and getting used to.

And with all this in mind, do I dare utter that I want to quit daycare? Oh......God has worked so much out for me. I have NO ONE but maybe this ONE BOY hanging in the air waiting for me to make that decision on whether or not I'll come back to it. He's just an afterschool child, so truly NO BIGGIE to hold on to. I have no kids waiting me out, and that is SO SO releasing. I'm dying to clean out the playroom, big time. I want to throw all the nasty, ugly, broken, used toys away and only keep MACY'S toys, but that like definitely saying NO to daycare for the return. Not sure how Jeremy will feel about that.

I'm dying, itching, trying to get this photography thing off the ground. I'm almost there. I would love to launch my website July 1st. But at the same time, I don't want to fully commit to sessions until mid-September. But I need to get my name out there and sessions on the books for the holidays. So, I do have quite a bit of back-end work to be finished also. I'm still contemplating how to truly go about this.

So, that's that. A whole of nothin, but I needed to get it out there and off my mind and hopefully, prayerfully, my life will start piecing together here really soon.

On a side note, I told Jeremy IF I ever have another baby, I AM NOT MOVING!!!!!

10 on Tuesday

1. I'm 34 weeks pregnant!!! Woohoo!
2. Macy loves to play with playdoh :)









3. I took pictures of Macy before church the other day.









4. We got Jeremy to snap one of us together :)



5. Macy woke up one morning happy in her new bed and I had to snap a few pics of her CRAZY hair :)







6. And she LOVES to read her books. I left her room and heard her reading so had to grab my camera and go back in to spy on her. She was in a good mood, so she let me stay =)

















7. At VBS the kiddos were 'watch dogs' and they got these little dog noses, Macy loved hers and didn't want to take it off at all!



8. When Macy throws fit or is unkind and I am correcting her, I try to teach her a Bible verse to say. Well, I was teaching her, "Be kind one to another." She is supposed to repeat the phrases after me.
Me: Be
Macy: Be
Me: kind
Macy: kind
Me: one
Macy: one
Me: to
Macy: THREE!!!!
Um.....okay, at least we getting out counting numbers down!

9. I can't get over how different this pregnancy has been from Macy's! I am so tired all day long. I have finally realized it doesn't matter how much caffiene I consume, how many naps I take or how long I sleep at night, I will NOT have energy until after I deliver this baby :) And baby not even then!

10. I'm not going to mention that I left the laundry unfolded on my dryer for a couple of days so now that it's all wrinkley again, I'm having to rewash it all. I have been such a slacker. And I'm for sure not mentioning that I left a load in the washer for 2 days. Yes, it's getting rewashed with vinegar and detergent as we speak. Darn it, I was doing SOOOOO good at keeping up too!

living my dream?

My entire life all I ever wanted was to be a mom. For career day at school I would dress up as a mother, taking my baby to school and a diaper bag. I wanted to be mommy. Growing up I never really wanted a career just a homemaker. Seriously.

Now, over the years, my heart was drawn in different directions, but one thing never changed and that was the fact that I wanted to be a wife and mother. As a matter of fact, one thing 'scared' me and that was that maybe I would struggle with infertility as a woman. Yeah, I knew God was in control, but it still scared me. I was probably more concerned over infertility than getting married!

I understand infertility doesn't mean you won't or can't have children, it just means the odds are not in your favor for it to happen as easily as it might be for other couples. But that's for another post.

I married a wonderful man 4 1/2 years ago and had no desire for children immediately but sometime in our future I definitely wanted children. How many? I really didn't know, I was somewhat certain I wanted several, but that's about as far as I knew. Jeremy and I had some amazing time together before becoming parents. We cruised to the Bahamas and the Flordia Keys, Cabo and Ensenada. We took a wonderful vacation down to San Antonio for a week and also to California and Las Vegas. We bought two houses, took many overnight trips 'just to get away' and went out to dinner way too much! We even bought our lab Jake a month after we were married. We stayed up late, watched movies, slept in, and truly without a doubt LOVED married life.

Then I found out I was pregnant. Amazing. Exciting. Words can't even describe my feelings and emotions at that time for my life. I was having a baby!

But to me, it was more than just having a baby and playing dress up and feeling loved. To me, it was being a mother. And once that reality set in, it was life changing.

This morning as I sat on the couch, snuggled with Miss Grace, rubbing my fingers across her scalp (she has very little hair!), I started to cry. Am I living my dream? Is this really all I wanted my whole life, and at the ripe, young age of 26, I had my baby girl, and was carrying my other sweet baby?!? Really!?

I will not mislead anyone. I am truly a realist. I tell you like it is. No beating around the bush here. Motherhood is hard. Very hard. Oftentimes you feel alone and isolated. Like you are living in ronald mcdonald land dreaming in a toddler world. You repeat yourself a good 134 times a day, get a whole lot less sleep and have at times feel stretched to the max. But I love it. I do.

Macy is my dream. My precious gift I will never, ever take for granted. She has changed me in ways I can't describe. I look at her and love her and honestly, I feel complete. Then I remember I'm pregnant. And I will so have another wild, crazy, amazing person to love. And truly, I can't even begin to comprehend what it will be like. Loving two little people. Ah.....

I'm sure I'll be spinning but there is something absolutely magical about looking into Macy's eyes and seeing love. Seeing a person who loves you unconditionally. Despite your faults and failures, she doesn't care. She loves me.

I will admit the task is daunting at times. I am completely responsible for her life. I am responsible for the person she becomes, for the person she is. She is following my very footsteps and is watching my every move. She wants to be just like me. And friend, that is scary.

On this amazing Mother's day, love your babies, love your mommies, if you have neither, love your friends.

From my heart to yours, xoxo. Love you :)

All things pregnancy

All things baby.

I basically have disappeared from the earth this month. I think I'm 27 weeks pregnant and getting ready to start the 3rd trimester. Holy moly. I would say I think thru the 2nd trimester, but that would be far far from the truth.

I've had a dream about the peanut, it was girl. Although with Macy, I had several dreams she was a boy. So, take that with a grain of salt.

I have nothing for this baby except 3 dresses and pair of shoes (I just couldn't resist!) and one outfit for a boy. I think you can find cute stuff for boys, but it's not as easy. I thought if I bought the girl stuff and my friend had a girl, I would give them to her, but she bought a boy. So, I may be stuck with 3 adorable dresses and 1 pair of cute cute shoes for nothing.

However, I wouldn't be sad. A boy would add a lil pizzaz to our family. I can honestly and truthfully say I don't care.

I'm carrying differently this time I feel. I feel longer. But then again, I can hardly remember my name so I have a hard time remembering exactly how I carried with Macy.

I have a harder time bending over, but that's to be expected.

I actually don't get alot of comments over the pregnancy. Recently a few people have mentioned what they think I'm having but in general, a whole lot less than with Macy. And it's probably split girl/boy. With Macy everyone but like 2 people said girl.

This peanut isn't as active either. That freaks me out. Could I really have a laid back child? Uh, probably not.

Peanut is about the size of an eggplant and growing everyday. Fun, fun :)

I have an evergrowing list of things to buy. In another post I'll explain why we haven't done jack diddly with it though.

I have some belly pics, but because I'm actually SITTING down and BLOGGING, I don't wanna go get my camera and upload them right now. I will later. PROMISE.

I am generally just so excited that I'm having another baby. It is different though. There are days I feel like I've been pregnant forever and a day and other days I feel hardly pregnant. I get nostalgic thinking about Macy not being my only baby, or the baby, any more and I just want to bottle up this time and savor it. She's amazing, but that's for another post, "All things Macy Grace", it should be a good one :)

pictures, pictures, I have pictures!!

A few anyway!



Easter
Your only getting this one because Macy is adorable, I look like lard.


It is important to note Macy's pink finger nail polish =)


Nice and blurry, but it's what you get when you combine late at night with a flash livin in a cave and a husband with a camera ;)


And my birthday cake =)


After my piece!

Happy April :)

I get this ridiculous giddy feeling when April comes around :)
I hate winter. Although I love Christmas, I'm so not a winter person. I get the winter blues, seriously during the months of January and February. March is nice,
but truthfully, here in SW Kansas, March can be just as chilly and drab as January. But April, we are typically in the clear for bright sunny days :) And maybe a little rain, but for the most part snow is out of the picture. Mostly. A few years ago, it snowed 6 inches on my birthday, April 14th. Niiiiice.

Spring is so wonderful in April. I love the pastels that fill the store and little chocolate bunny and chicks, along with easter eggs and frilly dresses. It's such a renewed time of year and season :)

Macy loves it too! It means we get to go outside and she just loves being outdoors. I'm excited to move because we really do plan on having a nicer yard for her to play in. Which means a nicer yard for me to relax in, and to barbeque :) And drink lemonade, because it is like my most favorite drink!

After church last Sunday we snapped a photos, because it's our life, and we love it!















I love her chubby lil fingers =)

I'm really loving how independent lil love is these days! It's wonderful. I love it when she's hungry she just crawl up in her highchair and wait for me to notice! This morning she had some blueberry pancakes and a clementine cutie orange.

We love those around the house nowadays!

I'm also loving some tulips....what color should I buy? I'm going to the store later today and I'm thinking I need a spring bouquet =)

So excited, my head is rolling over with many many things going on in my life with preparing for peanut, the move, just the general 'nesting' stage of my life, the inability to sit still, always wanting to get things done, spring cleaning, and enjoying life!

No time to slow down =)

Love you all, have a blessed day!

10 on Tuesday...

Is it Tuesday? Gosh I'm tired!

Disclaimer: The pictures in this post are simply snapshots of day to day stuff. I realized I don't grab my camera as much as I should especially because it is something I love so much! So, these are blurry, choppy, unprocessed, but they are REAL!

1. J left for a lil business trip for a few days, so it's just Macy Gracie and I.
And Jake.

2. The weather was beautiful outside yesterday, we took a few pictures.





She had just said, "Bye Jake Bye". He wasn't invited!


She looks like a big girl here to me!




She wasn't upset, I just got her off guard!



3. We went to Oregon last week. Or wait, we left two weeks ago, and came back last week. Wow, it went fast. I have lots to share from that trip.

4. I have decided, and I will not budge, on cribs for Macy Grace and peanut. I will not even look at another crib. haha....I change my mind WAY too much.

5. I'm feeling peanut move so much more and that feel wonderful =) It is, without a doubt the best part of pregnancy =)

6. Here are a few of random pics of MG around the house

Mohawk day - I made that up myself, haha. Sorry it's blurry!


She has important business to tend to. Never fails, can't find my phone? I ask Macy for it!


For some reason, I just love this shot! Her lil eyes pokin through!






She loves to brush hair!


7. I'm thrilled it's spring. Happy Spring!!! Did you hear that weather? Winter? Snow? It's spring.....STAY away. Far far away!

8. I say that because on Saturday was the first day of spring and it has cold, and wet, and traces of snow. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

9. You cannot prove and I will not admit that I ate a whole bag of mini cadbury eggs last week....nope.

10. I think I gained 5 lbs at grandmas!! Yup. Sad thing.

Macy did fabulous just fabulous on the plane ride. She earned big bucks for her pig bank =) We flew out at 6:30am, and I woke her up around 5 hoping she would be excited and energetic by the time we got on the plane that she would stay awake til we got to Denver. Nope, didn't happen. She crashed the second the plane started moving and slept almost the entire way to Denver. I want to sleep so badly. I was exhausted, but just couldn't. We landed in Denver and didn't have much time to get to our next connection which was a 2hr 51min ride to Portland. And she was hyped up! I was planned and good thing =) She did really well though and just played with her books, had a snack and only fussed two times for about a minute to minute and a half wanting 'out' and 'down'! Towards the end of the flight I gave her her beloved apple (her most favorite thing eat!) and with about 20 minutes til landing she crashed while chomping on her apple. She was tired. The trip was great, but she could not adjust to the time difference. Meaning, she was up around 5:30 every morning, nap at 10 to 10:30 and crabby and ready for bed by 6:30 every night. Ah, it was exhausting.

On the way home, I ended up with an empty seat beside me (score!) and she fell asleep about 10 mins after take off, so I laid her next to me and she was out for about 2 hours. She woke up for the last 30 mins or so of the flight and had a snack. She did really well the rest of they way home and it seems true, she's still a great traveler =)

peanut's ultrasound!

I have a few pics to share and I have a video that I think is awesome, it's a recording of the entire ultrasound, but I can't figure out how to share it. I don't think it's on a rewriteable dvd, meaning I can't burn it to my hard drive. If I can figure out a way, I will and share it!