today.

So, as of today, I'm 34 weeks, pregnant, large and in charge, but I'm not quite sure what I'm IN CHARGE of cause my life right now is CRAZY.

There's good, there's bad, and there's just plain 'ole ugly. The good:
I officially have one boy in daycare. He's full-time but really easy, he's nine and self-sufficient. I can run errands, I actually do drop-offs for his mom for his summer camps and music lessons. It gets me out of the house and some time in the sun :)

More good, the house is, well, it's coming along. I wanna cry nearly everyday, but somehow I really have only had about a week two weeks ago of a break down nearly everyday, and let's just say, I consumed a massive amount of diet coke that week.

Which sorta leads us to the bad. We're moving. Well, Macy Grace, peanut, and I, WE are moving. Jeremy will join us, um, sometime. I insist I can't do that move in the week of having this baby crap like we did with Macy, Jeremy doesn't see the big deal, so I told him, Macy and I, we're moving in, do whatever you want. In so many words that's what I said. But the house isn't complete, and we really can't move without running water which, again, makes me wanna cry. And it's not at all that he isn't working. He is. Alot. It's just so frustrating. We have WAY TOO MANY bricks in the fire. Life isn't meant to live like this. We have ZERO family time. We went to a picnic for his work at a ranch last Saturday and that is first time in a month we have basically gone anywhere and been together for more than sleeping at night. Something, somewhere has got to give. And thankfully, I believe he finally sees it. He's just SO driven. Too driven most likely at times. He works very very hard, but takes on too much at the same time.

Tonight I went over there all positive and excited to see the house, left feeling down and defeated. It's coming along, it really really is, but I'm just ready. I'm ready to move in and take over and dwell, and live, and just be ready for peanut. I suggested him not doing a few minor, but yet time consuming things, and focus on the major, and that got shot down real quick. So, I'm stuck.

A good thing is that the nursery is practically ready for me to take over and get started on. We have a chair and ottoman that needs moved out, which can't be done until the living room is finished and I'm hoping that means we can at least move out this weekend. I need to shampoo the carpet in there and hopefully, hopefully start moving things in on Monday. Hopefully. I haven't even started going through Macy's old newborn, gender neutral stuff to see what I have! I need to sand and paint peanut's crib and their dresser. Maybe I can start that tomorrow. So, little by little I see the light.

I'm sorta in limbo here about what to do, where to go, how to move forward day by day. I feel stuck, and I'm full-term to have this baby in 3 weeks!!!!! 3 WEEKS!!
I'm really really hoping my great friends Miranda and Katy can help me move and get things ready.

I look around here and it's scary. My life is getting ready to change in a way I can't prepare for. I'M HAVING A BABY! I know, I know, I already have a baby. But this is so different. It's number 2. I've never had 2 kids before ;) I think about all the things with Macy and another baby and the dynamic and the time, and the energy and it's just, overwhelming at times. But of course it's possible. And doable. And it will be done and it will all work out fine in the end. Macy will be a wonderful big sister, I know it, it's just going to be an adjustment on me.

I honestly love Macy way way more than I ever thought it humanly possible to love a child. Sometimes I think she's all I need. But I never wanted her to be an only child, so I'm glad she's not. I'll have two beautiful babies to love on and kiss and hold and snuggle and life will be wonderful, it's just going to take some adjusting and getting used to.

And with all this in mind, do I dare utter that I want to quit daycare? Oh......God has worked so much out for me. I have NO ONE but maybe this ONE BOY hanging in the air waiting for me to make that decision on whether or not I'll come back to it. He's just an afterschool child, so truly NO BIGGIE to hold on to. I have no kids waiting me out, and that is SO SO releasing. I'm dying to clean out the playroom, big time. I want to throw all the nasty, ugly, broken, used toys away and only keep MACY'S toys, but that like definitely saying NO to daycare for the return. Not sure how Jeremy will feel about that.

I'm dying, itching, trying to get this photography thing off the ground. I'm almost there. I would love to launch my website July 1st. But at the same time, I don't want to fully commit to sessions until mid-September. But I need to get my name out there and sessions on the books for the holidays. So, I do have quite a bit of back-end work to be finished also. I'm still contemplating how to truly go about this.

So, that's that. A whole of nothin, but I needed to get it out there and off my mind and hopefully, prayerfully, my life will start piecing together here really soon.

On a side note, I told Jeremy IF I ever have another baby, I AM NOT MOVING!!!!!